I’ve done nothing for a year other than think of her and remember how good I’d had it. How healing her love was for me. How I’d never find anything resembling it again. Not like I’d tried, but that didn’t mean anything. Nothing had meaning without her. Nothing.
I inhaled deeply, my heart hammering away…and I pressed call. My breathing ceased as it rang. Once. Twice. Three times. And then her voice came through the line. Such a soft sound, like a melody. Warm and soothing, just like her. The air blew out harshly past my lips as I readied myself to speak, to recite the words I’d held onto for a year. Although, before my lungs completely deflated, my breath caught in my chest, burning me from the inside out.
“Hey, you’ve reached Layne. Well, not really. You’ve reached my voicemail. I wasn’t able to get to my phone fast enough, but if you leave a message, I’ll call ya right back.” With my eyes closed, I could picture her perfectly. Her smile was evident in her voice, in the way she spoke with a lilt at the end of her words.
That’s what listening to her voice filled me with. Immense torture. I couldn’t even form enough thought to come up with something to say. When the beep sounded, I didn’t speak. One second. Two. Three. Four seconds of complete silence dragged out before I finally ended the call.
“Fucking stupid idiot,” I said aloud as I slammed the phone down on the table. My face immediately fell into my hands. Of course she didn’t answer. She had no reason to. She’d said all she needed to say in the email she’d sent about a month after we’d broken up. An email I’d disregarded for weeks before finding the patience to open it.
I should’ve responded then.
I should’ve done something.
However, I chose to dismiss her and the entire situation. It had b
een easier at the time because I’d allowed the fury inside to burn stronger until any ounce of compassion regarding her or our life together had been decimated, charred beyond recognition. Turned into ashes and then carried away by the wind.
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